I Just Need Toilet Paper
by Chezza456
Summary: Murdock's stuck in his hotel bathroom with no toilet paper. What can he do? Oneshot. Based on Sharlto Copley's improvised audition tape for the role of Murdock.


So this is based on Sharlto Copley's audition tape for The A Team, which is available on Youtube under the name: "Germ Warfare- Murdock Hotel Room Test"  
(I **highly** suggest seeking it out before reading this because it's brilliant, and will help you to understand this fic a bit better).

Disclaimer: I don't own the A team, and technically this was Sharlto's idea... I just extended it a bit.

I hope you enjoy!

* * *

There was only one option left. He grabbed the little telephone off the wall beside him and dialed the number to the room down the corridor. He then waited in anticipation.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"B.A... it's me...ur... we've got a problem" Murdock replied anxiously. B.A.'s voice at the end of the receiver suddenly sounded stern; Murdock knew he would be preparing himself mentally for their next supposed mission.

"What is it Murdock?"

"I'm stuck in the bathroom-"

"Say what?" He interrupted, not quite believing what he was hearing. Murdock continued.

"Ur... I need, I need toilet paper..." He paused, waiting for the other man's reaction. There was a moment of complete silence. Then B.A. started laughing.

"You crazy ass fool, I can't believe you've just rung me for that." His laughter continued down the phone line. Murdock looked around the room his eyes glancing over his previous _discarded_ options.

"I need toilet paper Bosco..." His voice sounded needier than he had wanted it to. The laughing at the other end stopped.

"Are you serious fool? Are you actually ringing me 'cause you want toilet paper?"

"No, no, Bosco I _need_ toilet paper-"

"Can't you just wipe your ass on a towel or something, it's a hotel." Murdock's eyes glanced down at the pristine white flannel that he had thrown to the floor. There was definitely no way he was using that now. The germs would have reached and infected it. He squirmed at the thought of picking it up. Nope, B.A. would just have to bring him some toilet paper.

"I can't... everything's dirty with germs in here, can you just bring some-" Once again Murdock was interrupted. This time B.A. sounded annoyed.

"What are you talking about you crazy ass fool? It's a hotel, they clean their rooms; they clean their bathrooms!"

As B.A. continued to rant Murdock became increasingly uncomfortable.

"Slow down big boy... slow down..."

"Where the hell are you ringing from anyway?" B.A. questioned angrily. If the nutter could get up from the loo to use the phone then what was he complaining about?

"I'm in the bathroom... no, from the little phone with the- yanno"

"What are you on about fool?" B.A. was not only agitated but now confused, and was ready to hang up. Murdock tried to explain, but he too was getting impatient with the situation he was in.

"They have these phones in the bathroom, and I was on the toilet... I just – I mean do you have-"

"Say what? You're on the toilet now? I'm speaking to you while you're having a-"

"Well do you have toilet paper in your-?" Murdock tried to interrupt, in an attempt to get to the point of his phonecall, but B.A. continued to speak over him.

"That's nasty man...Of course I have toilet paper in my room – I wasn't the one wasting it by trying to dress up as a mummy. Man, you know I don't like those things." B.A. replied adamantly.

"Well you do!" Murdock repeated earnestly, ignoring B.A.'s reminder about his recent antics. "So would you just- I'm phoning because if you could just come over..."

"No way fool –I'm not visiting you when you're stuck on the toilet. Get housekeeping to bring you some."

"I don't want housekeeping B.A.! That would be embarrassing! There'll be some Spanish lady coming in and seeing me on the toilet- I'm phoning you because you're my friend and you're two doors down... just bring me-"

"You don't want housekeeping because that would be embarrassing?" B.A. repeated in a questioning and patronising tone. "I'm not coming to see you with your pants round your ankles 'cause that's embarrassing for me."

"Well just-"

"No fool, I'm not bringing you any toilet paper."

"I just want-" Murdock tried, begged desperately.

"No Murdock. Friend or no friend, I ain't bringing you toilet paper." B.A. answered sternly.

"I just want you to bring me- _TOILET PAPER, MAN!_" Murdock shouted down the phone. Suddenly there was a quiet beep at the end of the line.

"Hello?" There was no answer. Murdock's eyes widened as he realised his friend had hung up on him. "B.A.?" He questioned quietly. Although he knew there would be no answer he still held the phone to his ear expectantly for a moment. When he heard no reply he slammed the phone back into its holder in frustration.

Once again he was stuck. Racking his brain he thought of any other options he had. Face was out for the evening– on yet another date with another random girl. Hannibal was away from the hotel at the current moment, having a meeting with some of the 'higher ups'. Murdock put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. Looking through his fingers he spied the discarded flannel, which appeared to be his only option left to him. Gingerly he leaned over to pick it up, holding it between his thumb and index finger, so not to let the cloth touch any other part of him. He scanned the room again, with a grimace on his face, desperate for another alternative. There wasn't one.

Squeezing his eyes closed in disgust and regret he moved to use the flannel. As he drew it closer to his skin a loud pounding at the bedroom door caused him to jump, and he accidentally dropped the flannel into the toilet bowl. Cursing, he regained himself as he sat back down and peered round the open door of the bathroom.

"Yes?" Murdock called out awkwardly. Then he smiled – B.A. hadn't let him down after all, he'd come to the rescue with a fresh roll of toilet paper.

"Hello, Mr Murdock, it's housekeeping. I've been asked to bring you some toilet paper from Mr Baracus" A high pitched voice called out from behind the door. Murdock froze. This was exactly what he didn't want – damn B.A.

"Ur, no – I... I think I'm okay now..." Murdock called out awkwardly.

"Well ok, but I'll just come in and leave these in the bathroom so you have some toilet roll for next time."

"No, no-" Murdock began, his eyes widening and his voice rising in pitch slightly. However the sound of the lock on the door clicking open meant he was too late to stop her. Shrieking he slammed the door of the bathroom closed before she could see him.

"Mr Murdock sir? Are you ok?" The woman questioned through the door.

"Yes, yes I'm fine... Please leave." He tried to sound authoritative however his voice cracked mid-way through. There was a pause in the next room.

"Would you like me to leave these beside the door Mr Murdock?" He heard her ask, realising his situation. Murdock kept quiet, silently cursing B.A. inside his head. There was another pause and the maid took that as a yes. She placed the rolls beside the door, informing Murdock, and then left the room.

It was several minutes later before Murdock opened the door to retrieve the toilet paper. He sighed with relief as he reached for one of the two rolls, deciding that he could use the second roll to get B.A. back by repeating his earlier prank. He grinned. He was going to get B.A. back real good for this one.


End file.
